


Every Word, Every Thought, Every Sound

by SassyDelusions (Sassydelusions)



Series: Reylo Piano AU [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Feels, Non-Explicit Sex, POV Rey, Post-Break Up, minor sprinkling of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-06
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-07-07 20:38:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15915810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassydelusions/pseuds/SassyDelusions
Summary: Being with Ben had been like falling, it was so exhilarating that it was easy to forget what loomed in the not so distant future. Rey hadn’t been ready for impact.“You have wiggled your way into my life.”The words had been like hitting the harsh concrete. Her free fall had ended and at the bottom she found nothing but painful consequence for the foolish dive. There was a certain kind of imagery that accompanied his wording. He didn’t say she had forced her way into his life or that she’d fought her way into his life; no, he considered her so small that she had to wiggle her way in. Like a bug. Like a nuisance that he never wanted but couldn’t seem to be rid of.Takes place between chapters 8 and 9 of Found A Flower In A Field Of Weeds





	Every Word, Every Thought, Every Sound

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's not a chapter update, but it's at least SOMETHING, right?
> 
> BIG shout out to my lovely friend [Emma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/miri_of_nowhere_in_particular/pseuds/miri_of_nowhere_in_particular) who read this chapter over for me and fixed my nonsensical wording. She's an angel I wouldn't be on top of this if it weren't for her.

Her fingers trotted gracelessly along the keys while she squinted at the sheets. They weren’t officially licensed, no way in hell was she paying for those, but the arrangement seemed passable. Reading music like this wasn’t her forte in the slightest, but she wanted to understand the appeal first hand. Ben’s world revolved around Anakin’s music and to properly understand Ben, she needed to understand that music. There was pain and anger collected up in every note Anakin Skywalker wrote, a pain that drove each piece to success, a pain that she had seen first hand in Ben Solo’s eyes. 

 

Great pain apparently translated to a ridiculous amount of sharps and chords that sounded awfully dissonant even when played correctly. She had picked through five different pieces before finally settling for  _ The Imperial March  _ since it was the most simplistic at its core. The hope was that she would finish learning the whole song and then she’d play it for Ben. She thought that if she made an effort to show she was trying to understand him that he might ease up a bit. 

 

“I don’t know why you’re not just doing what you usually do and plucking it out by ear,” Poe’s voice sounded from behind her. “It’s gotta be easier than trying to mess around with paper music.”

 

“If I do it that way then it won’t be true to the  _ classical experience _ .” Her voice deepened on the last two words to mimic the man who had said them to her only a day prior.

 

“That’s a lot of work for a guy you hardly know, Peanut.” Concern was a common shade in Finn’s voice, but for some reason, it stung just a bit this time around.

 

“Love makes a person work hard,” Poe hummed and spun Finn beneath his arm. “Let’s let her practice. She’s only got a couple minutes until she’s gotta get going.”

 

“It’s a little too early to call it love, but I appreciate the understanding.” Rey smiled back at the pair of them for just a moment. Finn was giving Poe an exasperated look as they began to review choreography together. They weren’t dance partners in a professional sense, but Rey could say with a fair amount of certainty that Finn danced with Poe far more than his actual partner. Same sex couples were prohibited in professional ballroom dance, even with Poe’s constant protesting.

 

She turned back to face the white sheets on the piano and nodded in hopes of encouraging herself. Her fingers rested on the keys and she powered through the first few measures without a hitch. Or well, minimal hitches. Given the amount of time she’d spent slaving over these notes, she’d take a small success for what it was. She dug her phone out of her pocket and checked the time.

 

“Hey, Peanut, Poe and I are going to run down to the vending machine. You want anything?”

 

“Corn nuts and the will to carry on?” Rey flashed him a smile and a wink. “Just a water would be great, Peanut. Thank you.”

 

“You got it.” Poe gave a thumbs up and then the two left her alone in the practice room.

 

She rapped her knuckles against the piano bench and hummed through her nose. Hazel eyes narrowed at the notes on the crisp sheets and she shifted her weight. Rey was a fairly patient person; she was disciplined enough to get good grades despite her hellish home life, and she was level headed enough to not rush into risky business deals or pull out loans. With all that in mind, it didn’t make any sense at all that playing to the parameters on the papers was driving her insane. 

 

What was so agonizing about it? Maybe it was that she couldn’t do it on her own terms. She had always been fiercely independent and enjoyed the feeling of knowing that she had handled herself in her own way when life threw obstacles her way. She wasn’t by the book, but she never had to be because her own methods were just as effective. There was no room for deviation when playing piano the way Ben did. Improvisation wasn’t welcome and technique meant everything. She couldn’t for the life of her imagine how Ben felt comfortable under all these limitations. 

 

One more time, she started from the beginning of the piece and worked her way through the first movement. The tempo was slow, much slower than the noted pace she was supposed to go at, but Ben had advised her to part slow when learning something new and not to try and master it in her first go. It had to be at least her fifteenth attempt and she was dying to speed it up. Her fingers began easing into a faster pace and she barely made it two lines further before losing her place and slamming her hands down on the keys in exasperation.

 

She picked her phone up and tapped a few words into the Youtube search bar. 

 

_ Ben Solo Imperial March _

 

It pulled up a number of pages in results, but she went ahead and picked the very first on the list. It was dated only three months prior and the thumbnail featured a familiar mess of dark hair dangling awfully close to carefully curled fingers that looked busy at work on the piano. The video itself was professionally recorded and featured on some fine arts channel she didn’t care too much about. Hazel eyes watched intently as the video began with Ben walking across a long stage towards the piano in the center. The staging was simple, a bright spotlight showering golden rays over the sleek black grand and leaving the rest of the stage to frame him like a dark vignette. 

 

He was dressed in a dark suit with a crisp indigo shirt and he never once glanced to the camera as he settled on the bench, flexed his fingers, and prepared to play. He took in a deep breath and she felt herself holding her own until he finally placed his fingers on the keys and Anakin’s work came to life. Her phone speaker did no services for the sound, but despite the fact that she wasn’t sitting in the concert hall and she didn’t have the most glorious audio output, she still found herself amazed by the performance. He swayed only slightly as the song pressed onwards in a way far more foreboding than her own attempt at been. The camera would pan in and out, zooming in to catch the finger work and then centering in on his focused gaze. If the song was meant to announce the arrival of something frightening, then whatever was caged behind his dark eyes must have been that very monster.

 

Just as dramatically as it had began, Ben Solo finished the song with a performative flourish and a crowd not shown on screen rumbled with applause. She didn’t know what came over her or why she decided to watch another recording, maybe it was his stage presence, but she had soon queued up the first video in the recommended section. It appeared to be from the same concert and recorded in the same manner, clearly later in the setlist, though. The song started out rather slow for the first few seconds. It sounded so sad; reflective on something tragic. The reflection grew into chaotic notes that scaled up like a sweltering storm. Ben’s fingers were fast in their movements as it became less sad and more lamenting.

 

The frustrated boil of emotion reached a point of division. There was a sense of hope that seemed to be desperately trying to break free through the dark tones that weighed the melody down and Rey sat at the edge of the bench, hunched over her phone, hoping desperately for the battle of melodies to end on a happy note.A jarring sort of emptiness filled her when the door opened behind her and the soft thud pulled her out of the deeply engaged moment. 

 

She closed the video quickly and offered a smile as Finn placed a cold bottle of water in her hand.

 

“Are you okay? Your eyes are watering. If this piece is that frustrating then you really should take a break.” He put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You’re tough enough to handle anything, but don’t push yourself too hard. You don’t want to lose sight of why you play.”

 

Rey nodded slowly at first and then more emphatically as the words sunk in. “No, no. You’re right. I play because I like playing, and if I ever find myself no longer enjoying it then there isn’t much reason to continue.”

 

Finn gave her shoulder a squeeze and then walked over to sit beside Poe on the floor. Poe had an entire trove of snacks from the vending machine piled in his lap and he was busy trying to decide which to eat now and which to save for later.

 

With a sigh, she gathered up the papers and shoved them into her messenger bag. As much as she would have loved to stay longer, she really didn’t have the time to dedicate to this.

 

“Heading out?” Finn asked.

 

“Yeah, I better get going. If I clock in late again then I’m going to get an earful and I _ really  _ don’t have the energy for that.” She slung her bag over her shoulder, gave each of the guys a kiss on the top of the head and then made her way down to work. 

 

* * *

 

“What do you love so much about Rachmaninoff? I’ve heard a few of his pieces, but I don’t think I really understand them,” Rey asked from the comfortable place she was resting in Ben’s arms. 

 

“He’s very bold. His pieces don’t shy away from intricacies to express emotion. Rachmaninoff’s pieces don’t feel overly ornate for the sake of being lavish because they all tell a very vivid story from beginning to end.” Ben’s voice rumbled against her shoulder as he tiredly nestled himself against her. “There’s something visceral about performing a Rachmaninoff piece. Or even just being in the room as one plays out in front of you.”

 

She shifted so she could look up at him, her fingertips tracing small circles on his arm as she spoke. “I don’t think I'll have the ability to play anything like that for quite some time. Do you think maybe…you could play for me?”

 

Something electric broke between them, a surging sensation that started in his eyes and shot through her very core. He scooped her up in his arms and got onto his feet. “I thought you'd never ask.”

 

Laughter bubbled up through her stomach and she kept her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. “God, you really are such a nerd.”

 

The cheeky grin he quirked was more than enough to bring a smile to Rey’s lips. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt so comfortable with someone outside her tight knit friend group. The plethora of trust issues born from years of disappointment had taken a toll on her ability to enjoy this kind of intimacy. People had a tendency to abandon her and after a while, she learned to keep herself closed off.

 

As Ben Solo sat her down on the bench and placed a caring kiss to her right temple, Rey remembered why he was worth the risk.

 

“I’ll play,” Ben spoke as he settled in at her side. “But only if you promise to keep your eyes closed and really  _ feel _ the music.”

 

Those dark eyes fell on her, filled to the brim with expectancy. She sat herself up so she wouldn’t be pressed against his arm as he played and closed her eyes. With her sense of sight gone, she could hear his every inhale and the nervous shuffling of him getting comfortable at the keyboard. She wondered to herself if he always got anxious before a performance, the one she watched had shown her nothing but confidence as he settled at the piano. Secret self satisfaction came as she realized that it wasn’t the piece he was about to play that was making him hesitate, it was that he wanted to impress her.

 

If making an impression was his goal, then he had already blown her away a mere measure into the piece. Power erupted from the piano, the vibrations quaking in her chest as he played with the most precise chaos she had ever heard in her life. Notes played in rapid succession, fast and intricate and ever building in tempo. She felt a sort of urgency in his playing, as if he had something important to tell but he couldn’t find the person who needed to hear it most. It was this consistent driving force that kept her engaged throughout. Time was far from consequential when she was entirely wrapped up in the ethereal sound of hammer hitting string.

 

Although she couldn’t see him, doing her best to keep true to his wishes, she knew that his eyes must have been sizzling with emotion. Even when his face was fixed into a calculated sort of relaxation, his eyes always gave way to the worlds that bubbled inside of him. Ben Solo was an entire galaxy of uncharted stars and the only time she ever felt the warmth of those vibrant suns was when he was buried within the refrains he loved so much. Rey sometimes feared what came with such close proximity to a star, but his gravity drew her in nonetheless. 

 

Without even realizing it, she was swaying softly to the song that played. The tone had switched from frantic to delighted. He had found the person he needed to communicate to and he was now telling them with a vivacious lilt the news he had been itching to deliver. It was given with the same intense impact, but it slowly sunk into something a little more intimate. The tempo hadn’t slowed and the ornate runs still decorated each line, but it was done so in an almost tender tone. Notes flowed like a gently gliding river, the rapid bassline serving as the soft ripples.

 

By the time he had boiled up into his final crescendo, Rey had traveled on the stream’s current all the way into the depths of the ocean. She felt emotions she couldn’t quite place a proper word to. The final chord announced completion and she wasn’t quite ready to open her eyes, not wanting to let go of the soul shaking aftershocks. Was it the piece that had done this to her? Partially. But Ben Solo’s baffling range was what truly struck her. Rey had felt him kiss every inch of her, she’d felt him deep within her, but somehow, this moment managed to be the most overwhelming form of intimacy. 

 

He waited with bated breath for her approval. She could feel his sudden anxiety hanging in the charged air. 

 

Her eyes fluttered open and met his intense stare. His adam’s apple bobbed and the mere sight of it had her breathless. Before either of them could breathe out another word, Rey threw her arms around his neck and captured his lips in a hazed and hungry manner. What began as a passionate kiss evolved one second at a time, fingers in hair, teeth and tongue, sliding clothes. 

 

They devolved into a sonata of frantic touch and trembling sound, as explosive as the music that had lead them there.

 

* * *

 

Being with Ben had been like falling, it was so exhilarating that it was easy to forget what loomed in the not so distant future. Rey hadn’t been ready for impact. 

 

_ “You have wiggled your way into my life.” _

 

The words had been like hitting the harsh concrete. Her free fall had ended and at the bottom she found nothing but painful consequence for the foolish dive. There was a certain kind of imagery that accompanied his wording. He didn’t say she had forced her way into his life or that she’d fought her way into his life; no, he considered her so small that she had to wiggle her way in. Like a bug. Like a nuisance that he never wanted but couldn’t seem to be rid of. 

 

She hated that she was sulking and eating ice cream over someone who apparently thought so little of her. He hardly knew her at all, and maybe that was the biggest problem. They were essentially strangers finding comfort in this similarity. 

 

No. It wasn’t that simple…she couldn’t convince herself that it was. 

 

Rey made an aggravated sound and set her ice cream down. Finn, Poe, and Rose were in the kitchen, laughing and throwing adoring gazes at each other. She hadn’t ever hated being the fourth wheel. They were happy and seeing them happy made her smile. Now that she had felt that fleeting kind of happiness, she felt an unpleasant envy towards them.

 

With a sigh, she gathered up her ice cream and placed it back in the freezer. She wasn’t going to sulk. She wasn’t going to dislike the happiness of others around her. Rey was too good for that. She was too good for all of this.  _ She was too good for Ben Solo. _

 

* * *

 

**\- Saturday, September 22 -**

 

> **-** ****Ben | 9:24 AM** - **
> 
> _ Please just pick up the phone. _

  
****

> **  
> ****\- Ben | 11:08 AM**  
>  -  
> 
> 
> _ You have to know that you mean so much more to me than the way it sounded. Rey, I love you. It’s not your playing that matters. I just wanted us to have more time together and I thought that maybe the best way to do that would be for you to come back with me and let me teach you. Please just text back. Or answer one of my calls. Or anything. Please just let me know it’s going to be alright. _

  
  
****

> **  
> **\- Ben | 8:53 PM -**  
>  **
> 
> ****
> 
> ****
> 
> _ Please just know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for being just one more thing that makes you feel inferior. You’re not.  _
> 
>  

****

**\- Sunday, September 23 -**

> **-** **Ben | 8:04 AM -**
> 
> _ Rey… Please.  _
> 
>   
> 

  
****

> **  
> ****\- Ben | 10:39 AM -  
>  **
> 
> _ Are you really going to keep ignoring me? I want to see you again before I leave. I don't want things to end like this.  _
> 
>   
> 

  
****

> **  
> **\- Ben | 10:46 PM -  
>  ** **
> 
> ****
> 
> ****
> 
> _ Given that you have Android and I have Apple, I can’t even see if you’re reading these. I hope you are, but I have learned through experience that being hopeful doesn’t usually get me very far. I’ll look for you after class. I miss you. _

****

**\- Monday, September 24 -**

> **-** ****Ben | 7:07 PM -** **
> 
> ****
> 
> ****
> 
> _ I don’t know why I looked. _

****

**\- Tuesday, September 25 -**

 

> **-** ****Ben | 7:32 PM** - **
> 
> _ I could have sworn that I heard you playing, but I checked all the practice rooms upstairs and couldn’t find you. Maybe I’m losing my mind. I really don’t want things to end like this, Rey. Please just answer me. I want to talk about it, I want to fix it, but I can’t fix things if you don’t let me try.  _

 

**\- Wednesday, September 26 -**

 

> **-** ****Ben | 11:42 PM -** **
> 
> ****
> 
> ****
> 
> _ I saw my parents tonight. My old roommate was there too, but that’s not really important. I just wanted to say that I get it. I understand why you play the way you do and I am so sorry for trying to take that away from you. I thought that it would be best for you to grow and learn. I didn’t understand that you don’t want that. I didn’t understand that you play for the feeling, not for the sound. I feel so stupid and I feel so selfish and I know you probably aren’t going to read this, but I just wanted to send it so I knew at the very least that I did right on my part. _
> 
>  

* * *

****

****

 

Thursday morning she was playing on the piano in the ballroom gymnasium.  _ The Imperial March _ had been discarded, the sheets sitting on the wooden floor, but the motif was being mingled into a different song. She had worked so hard to learn the piece she felt it might as well get put to use in some capacity. Though she wasn’t singing the lyrics to the song, they played in her mind and helped cement the piece.

 

_ Now I know your heart, I know your mind. You don’t even know you’re being unkind. _

 

She let her eyes stay closed, all the bitterness in her being thrown free. It was cathartic in a way. So many words she couldn't bring herself to say could find life in a different format. Ben was the driving force, but the song wasn’t for him. It was her own song of self realization. The song stopped and she sat in a frozen silence. She couldn’t be with Ben because Ben could never understand her. Ben Solo was a victim to his past and Rey was a survivor. 

 

_ But I guess what you say is true, I could never be the right kind of girl for you. I could never be your woman. _

 

“Rey, you’re going to be late.” Poe spoke lightly, breaking up the silence as politely as he could manage. 

 

She turned to offer him a small smile. “Thanks, Poe. For everything. I know that it must be weird of you to watch all this because you knew him from before.”

 

“Weird isn’t the right word, but don’t worry about me. You don’t need to thank me. I’m your friend and I want what’s best for you, Ben Solo or no Ben Solo.” He gave a little wink. “Now you better get going, you don’t wanna be late for your interview.”

 

“Right!” She clapped her hands together and then slung her backpack over her shoulder. “Thanks again.”

 

She left the papers on the floor, knowing she’d be back later and could pick them up then. Rey was going to go to this interview with a clear mind. Poe had put his neck out to help her find a place here on campus and she wasn’t about to let any of her reservations stop her. Luke Skywalker’s office was just a ten minute walk from the Anakin Skywalker building and she was sure that nothing could bring her down in that short of a time.

 

Her phone buzzed just to prove her wrong.

 

> ****\- Ben | 8:51 AM** - **
> 
> _ You were right, I liked the song. It’s somehow just as sad, even when you’re not the one playing it. _

 

She should have known better than to look, she should have known it would be him. Had it been one of his usual texts, she wouldn’t have stopped dead in her tracks, but she felt something pull in her heart at knowledge that he’d actually listened to the song she played him the week before. The lyrics felt so much heavier given everything that had happened since. 

 

She jerkily shoved the  phone back into her pocket and tried to ground herself once more. She wanted to reply. For the first time in a number of days, Rey actually wanted to answer him. It felt like they could have had a real conversation and maybe put everything aside and bond over the music. But it would take more than a text to break her resolve. 

 

“It takes a bit more than you.” She muttered, taking in a breath and then continuing on to the dean’s office. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Y'all know the drill, this is going to be a link to my [Tumblr](https://reyloscum.tumblr.com) and below are the songs.  
> Song Rey is playing at the beginning: [John Williams - The Imperial March(Arr Hauntry) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kW2QWCChbYE)  
> Anakin's piece played by Ben in the video: [John Williams - The Imperial March(Arr F. LUHL-DOLGORUKIY) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQCb0AYeKVE)  
> Rachmaninoff's piece played by Ben in the video: [Rachmoninoff - 1st Piano Sonata Op28 Mov.1(Arr F. Valentina Lisitsa) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R_KbyDBvxrU)  
> The Rachmaninoff piece he played for her in person: [Rachmoninoff - 1st Piano Sonata Op28 Mov.3(Arr F. Valentina Lisitsa) ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdMT40vopfA)  
> The song Rey arranges with The Imperial March at the end: [White Town - Your Woman ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0soXkLHsiE)  
> 


End file.
